my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
