My hand turned me down
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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