i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
