Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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