My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
