I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
