My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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