Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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