the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm like, not good at living.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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