Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
