Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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