I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
