They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
