'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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