i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
