There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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