I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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