Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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