My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
