If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
