none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
