I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
