I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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