As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
