Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
