Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
