I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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