jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
