how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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