Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
