i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
