Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
