Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My vagina is officially offended.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo