I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize