Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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