There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
