I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.