dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.