so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
