i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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