We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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