How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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