this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
