im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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