Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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