dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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