My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He passed out mid-signature
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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