Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
