3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
