You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
