my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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