Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
