The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
