watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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