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i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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