Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
