sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
